I'm scared. I'm scouring the internet. Sure, ultrasounds can be wrong. Sure, they can be harder to read in a heavy set woman. Yet, I can't stop crying. I'm afraid to bond with the baby and the pregnancy. A month is a long time to wait for a repeat scan. I saw the high risk doc, with trained technicians and top notch equipment. So shouldn't they have seen something?
Tell me, how can you go a month knowing there could be a problem? This is entirely different than waiting out the first trimester. At this point, 19 weeks, I'm in maternity clothes. I'm feeling movement. I know the sex of the baby. I'm planning how things will change for the family this summer. And now, what, everything is on hold? Just "don't worry"? How is that possible?


I feel guilty for wanting to give us a boy. I was quiet when they told us a girl. I was so sure it was a boy! Not that I wasn't happy, I was just in shock. Then I said as long as she's healthy. And now, damn it, we don't KNOW if she's healthy! How do you think that makes me feel? Like a piece of shit. Like, this serves me right for being quiet and in shock because I thought she was a boy. Now I fear we don't deserve her. I can't imagine losing a child this far along. What it would do to my daughter, my husband, my family, myself.


All I wanted was a pregnancy where I wouldn't worry constantly like I did with Alexi. I guess that's not an option for me. I feel selfish to ask for prayers. To ask that my baby be OK. I'd offer sacrifices, my own limbs, to have a healthy child.