Night and Day

I gotta say, these pregnancies are like night and day. There was tons of drama with Alexi but that's not to say that this one won't have it's fair share either.

With Lex, I had horrible heartburn and vomiting off an on. With Anni, I have heartburn that I can control with medication and no vomiting.

With Lex, I was able to sleep decently. With Anni, ha! I'm lucky if I can sleep a 2 hour stretch. Seriously.

With Lex, she wasn't super hyper. Anni is the opposite. Anni also chooses poor positioning. She's either pushing down on my pelvis and feels like she'll fall out, or she's up so high that my abdominal muscles are taut and hurts to take a deep breath. Sometimes, she does BOTH. (It's also good to mention at this point in the pregnancy, that both kids are roughly the same size. So it's not an issue of Anni being bigger than Lexi right now)

My allergies aren't as bad this time around, but my asthma is far worse. There are health risks to the pregnancy with mom's who are asthmatic.

My weight gain is the same. I didn't put on hardly anything with Lex.

My blood pressure was high and unmanageable with Lex. I was on super high doses of medication. With Anni, it's managed on the lowest possible dose. I think we're doing so well because we started the pregnancy with normal blood pressure. High blood pressure can cause small babies, increased risk of fetal death, lead to pre-eclampsia (risk to Mom and baby), the list goes on.

With Lexi, my blood sugar was normal. With Anni, it's high. I've tried managing by diet changes, insulin, more insulin, more insulin. They're not at a dangerous level, but they're high. Most people think that gestational diabetes just means you'll have a bigger than normal baby. This is true, but so much more. A bigger baby means a tougher delivery, no matter how you deliver. Risks to the baby after delivery because they have to watch the blood sugar levels very closely. Birth defects. Stillbirth. With us, there is question whether it's pre-existing diabetes that wasn't managed. Our risks are raised. Plus, unmanaged diabetes has it's own share of symptoms. Fatigue, depression, etc.

Earlier in the week the baby had to have a special ultrasound on her heart, to check for birth defects. That is a level of stress, to walk into a Children's hospital, being around sick children, and praying to God that you don't have to be one of those families. I sat in the waiting room and the stress of it all took over me and I cried.

I'm not even talking about the c-section surgery or recovery. I'm more concerned this time around. Will the scar tissue prove to be problematic? Will I hemmorage this time around? Will I be on the same medications that made me feel crappy during delivery and post-partum? I've already said, no one is allowed to die when this one is born. Non-negotiable. I'm scared about the surgery. I'm scared to be apart from Alexi, when she's getting ready to start a new school. I'm scared that the recovery is going to be as painful if not more and I won't be able to get things done around the house. I'm scared about the economy, our jobs.

I wish my husband could understand how difficult all of this is for me. I wish others could too. We're just not a "typical" pregnancy. I am at the doctor every week. For a normal pregnancy, it's once a month. I've had far more tests than a typical pregnancy. It's a different time. I had far less stress with Alexi than I do now. The fact is, this is still a high risk pregnancy. I can't help but be apprehensive and waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're at a point where things can start to go downhill in a bad way, like they did with Lex.

I feel like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders. Keep working. Keep up the house. Everything is overwhelming. It's not helpful to be told that I'm overreacting about things. Or being lazy. Or being a drama queen. Or to not worry. I'm tired of arguing with people. I'm trying to manage my own anxiety and it certainly doesn't help. The last few weeks I have been so exhausted from stress, all I can do is collapse and have unrestful sleep.

What hurts most, is the lack of emotional support at home. I read blogs like this, and I don't understand why I can't have that same level of support. I don't need to be treated like a queen. I need to be able to talk and vent. I'm saddened that I'm not enjoying this pregnancy like I should be.